THE IDOL REPORT Vol 1: The Malakar Diet

Ok, lets just put our cards on the table and be up front. I watch American Idol, you watch American Idol, I'm pretty sure the Pope is watching American Idol (he looooooves Daughtry). So let's not have that awkward conversation where we pretend we don't watch it and then a few years later I come home from work to find you spread eagle on the bed wearing only a 'Soul Patrol' thong lip-syncing to Clay Aiken's 'Measure of a Man.' It's time we all faced the music, the really cheesy over-the-top last chance for half-talent and wash ups music, and realize that American Idol has just bitch slapped baseball with a flat iron and taken over as our favorite past time. So what sort of music blogger would I be if I didn't take one day a week to analyze AI for the true wonder it is? Probably a better one, but I digress.

Now let's take a new approach to American Idol and have an academic discussion utilizing our favorite schoolastic tool: The Scientific Method.

OBSERVATION: The effect of Sanjaya Malakar on the good people of these United States of America.

HYPOTHESIS: Sanjaya Malakar is the devil and is using his "singing" to brain wash Americans into harming themselves, ergo, destroying freedom and the fabric of our Democracy.

PREDICTION: Um...I'm right?

RESULTS: Listen, I don't need a fancy schmancy process to figure this one out. Sanjaya is a demon child who's presence to the masses should only occur when the Rapture happens and demons plague the land. He is a one man locust infestation, he is a sea of spilled innocents blood, he is the spread of leprosy, he is...as they say...a hot fart.

Now I have no beef with him just being a flamingly horrible contestant, I mean there are always crappy contestants destined to fail. Remember AJ Gil? Yeah, me neither. How about John Stevens? I'm pretty sure I saw him float down my toilet after a night of Taco Bell the other day. How about Taylor Hicks? I only saw the first couple episodes of that season, but there is NO WAY he could have done well.

Those failed contestants just weren't good enough, and thats fine, mediocrity is one of Americas greatest exports....but Sanjaya, he possesses an evil that would make Milosevic soil his pull-ups (come on people, he's a big kid now). So what is the result of all of this sin manifest? Well he's flipped the world on its head like a black man on cardboard and now people are abandoning their core American values. Look at these people:



What sort of fat American would stop eating? One possessed by the Anit-Christ that's who...but it gets worse ladies and gentlemen. What if a pro-wrestling super hunk decided to throw his healthy habits to the hounds and make like the mom from Whats Eating Gilbert Grape? Lets just find out:



Sickening, just sickening...now you're gonna tell me that a straight laced foreign businessman is going to trade in his conservative ways for a deep seeded sense of sarcasm...and to that I'd say impossible...or is it?



Dear God, we are all doomed.

But wait, there's hope, we can use this, we can sell this. We can write a book about the effect of singing scrawny Indian kids with effeminate features on the metabolism. We can sell the idea to Dr. Phil and go on an international book tour. We'll start importing girlish indian boys and teach them how to sing...horribly. We'll capture the national mindset and create a new generation of health consciousness. The Malakar Diet will be the wave of the future.

Ok, I know its ridiculous, but listen, there is no way to stop this Gorgon from devouring us whole so why not take a little milk from the tit of the devil, at the very least it will help you sleep (mmmm thats warm). If we're all going to be condemned for our sins and made ruin by the bastions of Hell under the orders of Sanjaya AKA Bielzebub himself (herself? Probably more likely) we might as well go out the way God would have liked...and thats by looking faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabulous. (Do I look fat in these eternal flames of sin?)

In the meantime we need a REAL American Idol...and I have some ideas...

Ryan : Eject