With Ryan Ford

In The Air Tonight (Phil Collins classic or the boogies flying out of my nose?)

2007-04-25T08:45:00.000-07:00

Hello blog fans (which i'm losing daily i'm sure),

I miss you. I have been taking care of things in NYC and now I am sick. I will be back soon.

Your old buddy,

Ry Ry

(I cannot eject, this disc is all scratched up)

This Week on Planet Earth

2007-04-08T19:05:00.000-07:00

Dear Father Time,

Please have sex with mother time and create more time babies. You've been slacking and I have not been able to update my blog as often. So pop some Viagra big papa and get your big hand at 12 o'clock for your lil' lady. Muchas appreciado.

-Ry-bear

Ok, that should take care of that as far as getting more hours in the day...and you're welcome planet Earth. I apologize to all of my readers, I apologize for bringing such and overwhelmingly amazing blog into the world and not updating it regularly. I got a call from a reader (stalker) last night who was having cold sweats (crack withdrawal) because I hadn't updated my blog (self indulgent cry for attention). To that reader I deeply apologize (sorry grandma). Fear not good disciples for I am back from a week off to return to the fine art of wordsmithing. This week we will review some new albums, continue our educational American Idol discussion, and look ahead to a My Chemical Romance/Muse concert review. Exciting right? Shut up, it is and you know it.

I'd like to start prompting readers to send me questions about anything or send in your own personal music mixes and we can have an open discussion. Also, if you know of any bands or artists that you think deserve a shout out feel free to turn me on to them and I'll give my take. I grew up and reside in the independent music market so I promise to keep an open mind and play nice...Besides, I can't drink Haterade, I'm allergic. Thats all for now my peeps, keep an eye on me, I'm a mover and a shaker and its bump n' grind time.

Ryan:Eject

THE IDOL REPORT Vol 1: The Malakar Diet

2007-03-28T11:45:00.001-07:00

Ok, lets just put our cards on the table and be up front. I watch American Idol, you watch American Idol, I'm pretty sure the Pope is watching American Idol (he looooooves Daughtry). So let's not have that awkward conversation where we pretend we don't watch it and then a few years later I come home from work to find you spread eagle on the bed wearing only a 'Soul Patrol' thong lip-syncing to Clay Aiken's 'Measure of a Man.' It's time we all faced the music, the really cheesy over-the-top last chance for half-talent and wash ups music, and realize that American Idol has just bitch slapped baseball with a flat iron and taken over as our favorite past time. So what sort of music blogger would I be if I didn't take one day a week to analyze AI for the true wonder it is? Probably a better one, but I digress.

Now let's take a new approach to American Idol and have an academic discussion utilizing our favorite schoolastic tool: The Scientific Method.

OBSERVATION: The effect of Sanjaya Malakar on the good people of these United States of America.

HYPOTHESIS: Sanjaya Malakar is the devil and is using his "singing" to brain wash Americans into harming themselves, ergo, destroying freedom and the fabric of our Democracy.

PREDICTION: Um...I'm right?

RESULTS: Listen, I don't need a fancy schmancy process to figure this one out. Sanjaya is a demon child who's presence to the masses should only occur when the Rapture happens and demons plague the land. He is a one man locust infestation, he is a sea of spilled innocents blood, he is the spread of leprosy, he is...as they say...a hot fart.

Now I have no beef with him just being a flamingly horrible contestant, I mean there are always crappy contestants destined to fail. Remember AJ Gil? Yeah, me neither. How about John Stevens? I'm pretty sure I saw him float down my toilet after a night of Taco Bell the other day. How about Taylor Hicks? I only saw the first couple episodes of that season, but there is NO WAY he could have done well.

Those failed contestants just weren't good enough, and thats fine, mediocrity is one of Americas greatest exports....but Sanjaya, he possesses an evil that would make Milosevic soil his pull-ups (come on people, he's a big kid now). So what is the result of all of this sin manifest? Well he's flipped the world on its head like a black man on cardboard and now people are abandoning their core American values. Look at these people:

What sort of fat American would stop eating? One possessed by the Anit-Christ that's who...but it gets worse ladies and gentlemen. What if a pro-wrestling super hunk decided to throw his healthy habits to the hounds and make like the mom from Whats Eating Gilbert Grape? Lets just find out:

Sickening, just sickening...now you're gonna tell me that a straight laced foreign businessman is going to trade in his conservative ways for a deep seeded sense of sarcasm...and to that I'd say impossible...or is it?

Dear God, we are all doomed.

But wait, there's hope, we can use this, we can sell this. We can write a book about the effect of singing scrawny Indian kids with effeminate features on the metabolism. We can sell the idea to Dr. Phil and go on an international book tour. We'll start importing girlish indian boys and teach them how to sing...horribly. We'll capture the national mindset and create a new generation of health consciousness. The Malakar Diet will be the wave of the future.

Ok, I know its ridiculous, but listen, there is no way to stop this Gorgon from devouring us whole so why not take a little milk from the tit of the devil, at the very least it will help you sleep (mmmm thats warm). If we're all going to be condemned for our sins and made ruin by the bastions of Hell under the orders of Sanjaya AKA Bielzebub himself (herself? Probably more likely) we might as well go out the way God would have liked...and thats by looking faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabulous. (Do I look fat in these eternal flames of sin?)

In the meantime we need a REAL American Idol...and I have some ideas...

Ryan : Eject

The Soundtrack to Our Lives: Sure Sounds A Lot Like The Fray...

2007-03-22T17:30:00.000-07:00

Let me preface this post by saying this, I by no means am intending to slag on the following bands or their respective fans, this author is merely stating an observational opinion...which is that the following bands can eat a spoonful of my butt. Now let's proceed:

Recently I became a member of that old American institution we call unemployment. I don't like to refer to this time so much as a financial disadvantage as much as an opportunity to broaden my horizons and grab a hold of the reigns of life, pull them taut, and ride the horse of enlightenment into the sunset...but mostly I wore track pants and watched a lot of TV. The only problem with this scenario is that I began to suspect that there was something wrong with my TV. I began to hear music over all of the programming...not just any music, but slow, dreary, soft spoken adult contemporary not-quite-coldplay music, and I began to panic. Was their a radio on in the house? Was I picking up a random signal from the local drama club meeting? Every channel I turned to was inundated with this mess, EVERY SINGLE CHANNEL, I flipped to the playboy channel and to my dismay James Blunt was serenading three naked ladies having a milk fight. Then it hit me, this wasn't just a coincidence...somehow without realizing, our nation was in the midst of a hostile takeover, a coup of d'etat of our senses...and at the forefront of this fascist regime, THE FRAY!

Now I know what you're thinking, "Ryan, I have the The Fray, James Blunt, Sondre Lerche, Snow Patrol, Star Sailor, James Morrison etc. on my iPod and I listen to them when my dreamy boyfriend doctor is going through rough times." Well to that I say NO YOU DON'T, thats Grey's Anatomy, and incidentally the source of where this all went very very wrong.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't hate any of these bands, and I'm not going to sit on my high horse and give you my personal preferences disguised as a superior opinion. I like The Fray, they have some very nice tunes, I liked them back in the day when they first came out and called themselves The Counting Crows. It's not the music these bands and artists make that bother me, its what they represent that has me all in a tizzy wizzy.

Recently my good buddy and BRICKS EXPLODE partner Josh did a little piece (www.bricksexplode.blogspot.com) on how the men of Grey's Anatomy have evoked an unrealistic desire in men because of McDreamy and his uber-sensitive and charming ways. Well my friends, this has leaked into the music world with a reverse effect. In dating you want a sensitive guy, thats a good thing. In Rock N Roll you want a loud in your face showman giving you an experience and taking your panties (not that I wear panties...oh shush they're comfortable...and soooo slidy) Where are these men you ask? They're gone, and they've sold their leather pants, ruffled shirts, drum solos, and kickass licks for a pair of pleated pants and a three hour discussion on 'how your day was.' We can't have this friends, without balls rock does not roll, and without a causeless rebel we have intentional compliance.

So here's what I say you dreamy eyed crooners, enjoy your time in the sun because in the land of television that you have consumed the good guy wins in the end...but this is real life sister and here's how it really goes down:

You sing your songs and the ladies swoon, you're a little different and sensitive and you tend to the ladies every need with your slow delivery and melodramatic lyrics. You may have a good relationship for a few months, maybe even a couple years, but then the ladies start looking the other way. She feels suffocated and is sick of your god damn mix tapes and argyle sweaters. She doesn't want to hear you cry every time she forgets to get off the phone with an 'I love you'. She hates it when you call her schmoopie and frankly men shouldn't be knitting sweaters for cats...and while we're on the subject fuck jazz and Tucker Carlson, she wants to go to a bar, drink a long island iced tea and sing 'Living On A Prayer' at the top of her lungs.

And thats that, you lose, I mean what were you thinking?!? The first principle of music is clearly written in the mofo'n United States Constitution right under the Preamble. It, in its glory and solitude states all that is right with the world:

Jovi Wins...always.

Ryan : Eject

Broken Buds? Ryan, WTF is that?

2007-03-21T23:25:00.000-07:00

We all have them, and we all love them, but more importantly we love to hate them. Guaranteed to bring us joy but more often a let down when needed most, these little would-be-flowers of musical joy have come to signify an entire generation. I refer to mine, yours, our BROKEN BUDS. Our little potent portables have come to be a metaphor for everything going on in music and the music scene today. A shining beacon of hope for the marriage of entertainment and technology, and yet in practice a colossal cluster fuck. So in this brave new world of music who is to lead us, machete and loin cloth in tow, through the vast jungle of BS that is the music scene?

...Not this guy, F that, too much responsibility.

What I can do is give my opinion on new musics, new bands, old musics, old bands, and entertain with a level of panash not seen since Lionel Richie danced on the ceiling. It's gonna be a party ladies and gents, and not a Scattergories and wine spritzer party...this is gonna be a full on rager naked people and goats included...or maybe not...but come on, Scattergories is pretty fun right? (What sandwich begins with a Z?)

I'm gonna go buy some party hats for our 1 year anniversary of this inaugural post because you know thats where this fun train is headed.

Coming up next? I'll analyze why Gray's Anatomy has single handedly killed Rock 'N' Roll and why The Fray are the common cause for erectile dysfunction.

Ryan : Eject